Dear Authors
by Calyn
Summary: In which various Narnian characters say various things. Also in which I enumerate certain pet peeves. Inspired by Dear Writers of Fanfiction.
1. Jadis

_Good to know I could amuse people._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

I am dead.

I am not coming back.

Get the [Deplorable Word] over it.

~Jadis


	2. Peter

_A not-so-good word is used in this, because I honestly couldn't think of one that conveyed the necessary meaning._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

I am not a possessive controlling bastard.

I may be an older brother who looks out for his family, but I will not glare down men who express interest in my sisters. Or the woman you've invented to be my "love interest."

Nor will I forbid them to court if they wish.

And I will most certainly _**not**_ threaten potential suitors with death or duels if they look at, admire, touch, express interest in, converse with, or dance with my sisters or "love interest."

That applies to Caspian too, movie-watchers.

~Peter Pevensie


	3. Edmund

Dear authors:

What Peter said.

~Edmund Pevensie

* * *

><p><em>Companion to the previous chapter.<em>


	4. Caspian the Tenth

_The next three chapters are a set. Happy New Year._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

There is _one_ High King of Narnia.

It is not me.

It will _never_ be me.

No, not even if the Pevensies had stayed.

~_King_ Caspian the Tenth


	5. Edmund 2

Dear authors:

I'm not the High King either. I didn't inherit Peter's title. It's his, and he'll keep it til the end of time.

Yes, regardless of what the movie said. The movie was _wrong_.

~_King_ Edmund


	6. Susan and Lucy

Dear authors:

Neither of us is High Queen. There _is_ no High Queen of Narnia.

If you want one, make up your own. Stop implicitly marrying us to Peter.

~_Queen_ Susan  
>~<em>Queen<em> Lucy


	7. Lucy

Dear authors:

_How_ many words have you used to describe Georgie's hair by now? Let's count:

Red.

Dark red.

Brilliant red.

Auburn.

Brown.

Light brown.

Honey.

Red-gold.

Golden red.

Red-brown.

Reddish brown.

Brown-red.

...wouldn't it be easier if everyone just acknowledged that I'm _blonde_?

~Lucy Pevensie

* * *

><p><em>It would definitely be <strong>easier<strong>. Doesn't mean you have to._


	8. Edmund 3

_Movie-specific._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

I said Tumnus' name _before_ Jadis offered me food, so I can't _possibly_ have "turned him in for sweeties."

Then again, Jadis herself didn't remember that.

Why should I bother expecting _you_ people to?

~Edmund

* * *

><p><em>Tru fax.<em>

_Inspired by a fic w__hich you should only read if you enjoy seeing character replacements of Tumnus mentally abuse Edmund._


	9. Edmund 4

Dear authors:

My eyes are not chocolate or onyx.

My hair is not raven, ebony, chocolate, or coal.

"Brown" and "black" (or "brown") are_ perfectly fine_ descriptors, if you're describing Skandar Keynes' portrayal of me.

If you're not, here's a tip:

I'm blond.

~Edmund

* * *

><p><em>Most likely.<em>

_"most of them had fair hair"_

_"The leader of the fair-headed men"_

_FYI, this predates the posting of TLL's fifth chapter. I'm not taking inspiration from her._


	10. Susan and Caspian

_Movie-specific._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

It was only a _flirtation_, for Aslan's sake! Stop making so _much_ of it!

~Susan Pevensie and Caspian the Tenth


	11. the Pevensies

Dear authors:

Incest is _not_ acceptable in Narnia.

You disgust us.

~the Pevensies

P.S. We would also like to remind you that adopted siblings are also full siblings.

* * *

><p><em>This really isn't debatable. At all.<em>


	12. Susan

Dear authors:

My reasons for leaving Narnia behind are my own, but I can assure you they have _nothing_ to do with being "cruelly ripped away" from my "true love Caspian."

~Susan Pevensie


	13. Caspian 2

Dear authors:

I'm Caspian "X" or "the Tenth," not "the X."

~Caspian the Tenth

* * *

><p><em>If you're going to use the word "the", don't put X<em>_. Caspian X or Caspian the Tenth. But not Caspian the X. Grammar.  
><em>


	14. Lucy 2 book

_The first of a two-chapter set. This is the book version._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

Father Christmas said "if you or any of your friends are hurt, a few drops will restore them."

He didn't add "unless they're poisoned" or "unless they're under a curse or there is magic involved" or "unless the hurt is all mental."

He said "_will_ restore."

Quit making exceptions to my cordial's healing power.

~Lucy


	15. Lucy 2 movie

_And this is the movie version._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

Father Christmas said "any injury."

He did _not_ say "any injury except poison" or "any injury except when there's a plot-convenient curse or magic involved" or "any injury except mental ones."

He said _any_ injury.

Quit making exceptions to my cordial's healing power.

~Lucy


	16. Edmund 5

_The original version of this chapter, with the huge ANs, is now archived on my LJ. When FF gets off its high horse and lets us put links again, there will be one on my profile.  
><em>

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

Why do you feel the need to make me deathly terrified of Turkish Delight? Or snow? Or winter? Or the mention of Jadis' name? Or the word "traitor"?

I don't really have...what do you people call it...post dramatic stress disorder? Sure, the Witch was awful, but you seem to have neglected a minor character called Aslan.

That's right. You forgot Aslan.

He had a talk with me too, you know. I never forgot it. And I got over thinking about myself then. I've been forgiven. I don't clam up or flee in tears every time someone mentions the word "traitor." I really don't.

In fact, I distinctly recall bringing my betrayal up to other people at least twice. I'm over it.

Could we maybe stop with the weepy moping "angsty" Edmund stories now, please? They're not much fun for me.

Especially when they lead to incest. I _don't_ love Peter that way. Really I don't.

_Really_.

~Edmund

* * *

><p>"<em>Between ourselves, you haven't been as bad as I was on my first trip to Narnia. You were only an ass, but I was a traitor." (Edmund to Eustace, VDT)<em>

"_It is very true," said Edmund. "But even a traitor may mend. I have known one that did." And he looked very thoughtful." (Edmund to Peridan, HHB)_


	17. all males

Dear authors:

None of us are, ever have been, or ever will be pregnant in any way, shape, or form.

**_Ever_**.

~all Sons of Adam, male creatures, and male Creatures

**P.S.** Except us. You can make us pregnant all you want.

~all fish and Fish of the class Syngnathidae

* * *

><p><em>Unless you're writing crackfic, of course.<em>

_Inspired by a really stupid fic whose details I am not going into, and whose biggest problem actually wasn't the Mpreg._

_Like Ch 24, the original ANs are archived on my LJ.  
><em>


	18. Caspian 3

_Try to think from Caspian's perspective._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

I am not "the fifth Pevensie." Or another brother to the Pevensies. I am not part of their family. I look up to them as the great kings and queens of old.

And you do know that would make Susan and Lucy my sisters, right? Kind of puts a damper on possible romance, doesn't it? Imagine the conversation:

"Dear brothers of mine, I wish to marry your sister."

"Oy, if we're your brothers, she's _your_ sister too!"

"Oh. I hadn't thought of that. I suppose we shall have to have a torrid incestuous affair, then."

"By all means, go ahead. The four of us are always marrying each other anyway, it's nothing new."

"What?"

"What, haven't you seen all the writers who know us **_so_ **well that they know Edmund and I secretly have a burning passion for each other?"

"Or the ones who insist Lucy and I are meant for each other, and that here in Narnia incest is perfectly moral?"

"..."

"Don't forget the ones who marry Susan off to me, either. It's like they don't know that incest causes genetic defects, or about the Westermarck effect, or that we would all be bloody disgusted by the very idea."

"Or the people who insist Narnia can actually _remove_ the sibling-ness from people, thereby making incest fine and even _cute_."

"..."

"And then there's always the people who think you and I are soulmates. Or you and Peter."

"..."

"I think you made him sick."

"Me? What did _I _do?"

"You told him about the perverted fangirls. Now he's throwing up. And he has a council meeting in five minutes."

"_Won_derful."

~Caspian the Tenth

P.S. I know what Benjamin Barnes said. He was wrong.

* * *

><p><em>Badfic!Caspian: "I've admired you and looked up to you in stories and legends since I was a little boy. Let's hug, bro! Then I can go marry my sis!"<em>

_Sense, it maketh not._


	19. Pulverulentus Siccus

Dear authors:

Thou shalt always use the word "eyes" when thou mean'st "eyes."

Thou shalt use the word "orbs" only when thou mean'st "spheres."

Thou shalt use the word "pools" only when thou mean'st "ponds."

Thou shalt not employ gratuitous synonyms, for unduly flowery prose is a weed in the Grammatical Garden.

~Pulverulentus Siccus

* * *

><p><em>Oh look. A Telmarine grammarian has declared himself my co-writer.<em>

_Wonderful._


	20. Jadis and LotGK

_I don't actually see this very often, but still._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

While we both enticed and ensnared future kings of Narnia, and desired to rule Narnia, we are not each other.

Not even though the same actress played us in the BBC movies.

Not even though the mist in the new _Dawn Treader_ was green.

Not even though it would be easier for environmentally-conscious writers who prefer to endlessly recycle villains instead of creatively making up their own.

We. Are. Not. Each. Other.

~Jadis  
>~the Lady of the Green Kirtle<p> 


	21. Cair Paravel

Dear authors:

I am a castle. Narnia is a pseudo-medieval society with primitive technology. It took a long time for me to be built. It therefore stands to reason that it would take just as long or longer for me to be _re_built.

Please, stop making Caspian rebuild me in less than a year. When that happens I'm badly made of scaffolding and liable to fall apart at any moment. A proper rebuilding should take at least a decade with the tools, workers, materials, and technology Narnia has, depending on how large you make me.

If you use my creator's implication that I was rebuilt enough to hold court in in only three years, I would appreciate it if you have Aslan help out. Clive Lewis, bless his heart, did not always consider realistic mechanics when writing.

Please take the time to build me. I dislike being shoddily put together.

~Cair Paravel

* * *

><p><em>Physics. Logic. Fact. They exist. Even if Lewis may have slighted them.<br>_


	22. Helen

Dear authors:

When you select characters for your stories, I am _not_ the mother of the Pevensie children. I am the first queen of Narnia.

Please use "Mrs. Pevensie" when you mean Mrs. Pevensie.

~Helen

* * *

><p><em>EDIT:<em>

_This is not saying "stop naming Mrs. Pevensie Helen."_

_It's saying "don't tag your story 'Helen' unless you really mean Helen the first queen of Narnia."_


	23. Rilian

Dear authors:

I exist.

I have a real story.

**_My name has only one L._**

I have no aunts or uncles.

I have no siblings.

I have no first cousins (though I do have an unnamed first cousin once removed).

And _**Queen Susan is **__**not**__** my mother!**_

~Rilian

* * *

><p><em>This does not mean all stories which contradict one or more of these are bad.<em>


	24. Edmund 6

Dear authors:

When I arrived at Aslan's camp after my two days with the Witch, did I look or act horrifically injured?

No, you say?

Well then, isn't it _logical _to assume that Jadis did **_not_ **gorily and gruesomely torture me?

~Edmund

P.S. She also did not rape me. _Really_, what is _**wrong**_ with you people?

P.P.S _I AM __**NOT**__ IN LOVE OR LUST WITH JADIS!_

* * *

><p><em>EDIT: This was meant mainly for the movie, and to refer to things like "Edmund spent days in the cell. Every day Jadis would beat him unconscious and leave him lying in a pool of his own blood." The preposterously extreme things.<em>


	25. Caspian 5

_Original, historically inaccurate version is now archived on LJ. Thanks goes out to songsmith, whose schools had better history programs than mine.  
><em>

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

My ancestors may possibly have been Spanish.

However, there is the same amount of evidence that they were Chinese.

Or American.

Or Mexican.

Or Japanese.

Or Irish.

Or Russian.

Or even another nationality altogether. The Spanish hardly had a monopoly on Pacific piracy in the early 1900s.

Please, stop calling me a "Spaniard" and giving me a "Spanish" accent.

And even if I did_ h_ave Spanish ancestry, the centuries between my ancestors' arrival in Narnia and my time would have eradicated comprehensive Spanish from our vocabulary.

_Please_ stop making me speak Spanish, however "sexy" you find it.

~Caspian the Tenth

P.S. Please don't call me a Latino either. *shudder*

.

.

* * *

><p><em>"You men and women of Telmar, will you go back to that island in the world of men from which your fathers first came?" Aslan, (PC)<em>

_"One was the mouth of a cave opening into the glaring green and blue of an island in the Pacific, where all the Telmarines would find themselves the moment they were through the Door" (PC)_

_Point: Caspian is not a "Spaniard," and he doesn't speak fluent Spanish. Especially not Google Translate Spanish._


	26. Pulverulentus Siccus 2

Dear authors:

Woe betide thee if thy possessive nouns do not have apostrophes, for that is a weed in the Grammatical Garden.

Woe betide thee if thy plural nouns _do_ have apostrophes, for that is another weed in the Grammatical Garden.

And great woe betide thee if thou useth a singular possessive noun as a plural possessive noun, for it is an abominable weed in the Grammatical Garden.

~P. Siccus

* * *

><p><em>Occasional typos are one thing. Constant misuse is another.<em>


	27. Edmund 7

_An FYI chapter. Sitt Hakim: *eyeroll*  
><em>

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

My sword does not actually have a name.

~Edmund

P.S. The name "Shafelm" was invented by the writer called elecktrum. If you use it, you may possibly want to credit her.


	28. Digory

Dear authors:

I have no siblings.

I am unmarried.

I have no children.

And I do not have any granddaughters or nieces for Peter or Edmund to fall in love with.

No, not even adopted.

~Digory Kirke


	29. Lucy 4 and Co

Dear authors:

I will not play matchmaker between my siblings.

Nor will I be happy for them when they discover their "love."

And under _no_ circumstances would I utter the phrase "It's about time!" in reference to it.

On the contrary, we would all be appalled.

~Lucy

P.S. **_We second that!_**

~Peter, Susan, Edmund


	30. Mr Pevensie

Dear authors:

I don't die until after the war.

~Mr. Pevensie


	31. Clive

Dear authors:

Fancy clothes are not uncomfortable in Narnia. There are no unbearably tight corsets.

There are also no dresses that could be called "prom" dresses. This means no strapless or low-cut dresses.

~C.S. Lewis

P.S. The second point is **not** debatable.

* * *

><p><em>"they were the kind that not only felt nice, but looked nice and smelled nice and made nice sounds when you moved as well" (SC)<em>

_"But in Narnia your good clothes were never your uncomfortable ones. They knew how to make things that felt beautiful as well as looking beautiful in Narnia: and there was no such thing as starch or flannel or elastic to be found from one end of the country to the other." (LB)_

_Question: did you see any tight corsets even in the movies?  
><em>


	32. the Pevensies, Eustace, and Caspian

Dear authors:

Believe it or not, we're all rather younger than our actors look.

~Peter, Susan, Edmund, Lucy, Eustace, Caspian the Tenth


	33. Father Christmas

Dear authors:

Please stop calling me Santa Claus. Or Kris Kringle.

And by the Lion, stop taking my words so _literally_!

~Father Christmas


	34. Lucy 5

Dear authors:

Please stop making me constantly heal minor wounds with my cordial.

I also don't often run around battlefields healing people. Beruna was a special circumstance.

I also don't carry my cordial with me everywhere. It's usually at Cair.

~Lucy

* * *

><p>"<em>If I had but my cordial with me," Queen Lucy was saying, " I could soon mend this. But the High King has so strictly charged me not to carry it commonly to the wars and to keep it only for great extremities!" (Lucy, HHB)<em>


	35. Digory 2

Dear authors:

Even though I am slightly odd, I would not be physically abusive towards children I catch doing wrong.

~Digory Kirke


	36. Lucy 6

_One of the things the movies got really, **really** wrong._

* * *

><p>Dear authors:<p>

Father Christmas gave Susan a bow and quiver and horn. He gave me a dagger and healing cordial.

Guess which of us actually rides to war?

~Lucy

P.S. Our subjects called Susan "the Gentle" for a reason.

* * *

><p><em>...a fair-haired lady with a very merry face who wore a helmet and a mail shirt and carried a bow across her shoulder and a quiver full of arrows at her side. ("The Queen Lucy," whispered Duffle.) (HHB)<em>

"_She's not like Lucy, you know, who's as good as a man, or at any rate as good as a boy. Queen Susan is more like an ordinary grown-up lady. She doesn't ride to the wars, though she is an excellent archer." (Corin to Shasta, HHB)_

_"I wasn't shooting to kill, you know." (Susan, PC)_


	37. Ramandu's daughter

Dear authors:

Why do you hate me so much?

~Ramandu's daughter


	38. Pulverulentus Siccus 3

Dear authors:

Thou shalt not, if thou be unsuitably unacquainted with it, insert gratuitous Imitation Middle English into thy stories.

If thou art unlearned and wish nonetheless to utilize it, thou shalt at the _least_ do thy research on the proper forms, for ill-formulation is a weed in the Grammatical Garden.

~P. Siccus

* * *

><p><em>It's not "Old" English, by the way. Old English has bizarre spellings and weird letters like thorns. And even Shakespearean is mostly early Modern.<br>_

_But seriously, if nothing else is right, at least keep the thees and thous straight. Thee is an object. Thou is a subject._


	39. Jadis 2

Dear authors:

I'm still dead.

~Jadis


	40. Calyn

Dear authors:

Here are some correct ways to write _the most commonly_ screwed-up sentences in the LWW movie:

"Rise, Sir Peter Wolf's-bane, knight of Narnia."

"Rise, Sir Peter Wolf's-bane—knight of Narnia."

"Rise, Sir Peter Wolf's-bane...knight of Narnia."

"Welcome, Peter, Son of Adam. Welcome, Susan and Lucy, Daughters of Eve. And welcome to you, Beavers. You have my thanks. But where is the fourth?"

~Calyn

P.S. Knight may be capitalized if you view it as part of his title. Otherwise not.

* * *

><p><em>I am not planning to have many letters from me. The number of times people mess those lines up is astounding, and I really can't put this one on Siccus.<br>_

_Also, I'm thinking about splitting this into three or more stories. One for countries and their information, one for the spelling of names, and this one. Thoughts?  
><em>


	41. the Pevensies, Eustace, and Caspian 2

Dear authors:

There are no romantic connections between any of us.

Also, Peter is not in love with Liliandil.

Susan is not in love with Oreius.

Edmund is not in love with Liliandil.

Lucy is not in love with Tumnus, Trumpkin, or Tirian.

Caspian and Ramandu's daughter _are_ in love with each other.

~Peter, Susan, Edmund, Lucy, Eustace, Caspian the Tenth

* * *

><p><em>I deleted the other five and conglomerated them into this.<em>


	42. all Narnians

Dear authors and filmmakers:

Red and gold are Gryffindor.

Red and green are Narnia.

Please stop dressing us in someone else's colors. And please stop saying "Narnian red" and "Narnian yellow".

~the Narnians, including the Pevensies and New Narnians

* * *

><p><em>Check yes HHB. Narnian flag is a red lion on a green ground. For a comparison of what the heraldry might look like: bit(dot)lypvHBVE_

_Please notice to whom this letter is addressed.  
><em>


	43. Mary Sue

Deer authers:

You luv me! You realy really luv me!

~Maria Susanna Cafrista Alina Jacina Lilina Alabaster Sparklypants Aslansdaughter Peterslurrv


	44. William Moseley

Dear authors:

My middle name is Peter.

Surprise!

~William Moseley


	45. A rant at FF

Dear FF owners:

The bigger images are nice.

The required CAPTCHA at login is not.

And **_CAN WE FRIGGING LINKS THINGS AGAIN YET_**? It's been three _months_! This isn't temporary anymore!

~Calyn

* * *

><p><em>Will be replaced with a real chapter at some point.<em>


	46. Miraz

_NOTICE:_

_This story will be deleted at some point, as I split it up into a collection of stories and make it better (editing is not a forbidden practice, critiflamers). Dear Authors: These Are Our Countries is mostly complete, as is Dear Authors: These Are Our Names (and titles). Dear Authors will be reposted with one comprehensive chapter per character. And then there will be Pulverulentus Siccus' contribution, which I don't have a good name for yet._

* * *

><p>Dear filmmakers:<p>

I do not appreciate being deprived of a decade of kingship.

~Miraz

* * *

><p><em>Because Miraz was crowned king when Caspian was <strong>little<strong>._


End file.
